Fulfilling My Purpose

Uncategorized, WORDS FROM A PETAL

Something about this season has been pushing me to pursue my callings in order to fulfill my purpose. My purpose has been meaning more to me than ever before because of my desire to experience more of God’s presence in my life. For a long time, I was finding ways to justify my lack of ability to conform to my passions and in the end I was beginning to lose myself and felt that those around me where unable to experience me at my best. Upon realising this, my heart broke as I have always been someone who lives with a desire to ensure people have a place in my heart and can experience doses of God in me. I was really lost in all my insecurities. I feel I am here because of my purpose and not because of the me I have become. This version of me has been building itself over a course of two years and I have a lot to unlearn in order to come back home to myself. I want to share my journey and challenge myself creatively. I want to offer myself another outlet in order to breathe more. At the moment, the foundation of my channel is not clear and will soon be established the more I encounter revelations about its premise. I just know that I am meant to be here. I also want this to accommodate the people that like the idea of topics I write about on Herlastpetal but don’t necessarily enjoy the idea of reading and prefer visuals. I want to reach as many people as possible and feel offering myself an extra space will support me in my blogging journey. There are so many issues I found with my video but watching it through God’s eyes (whose vision does not see imperfections), I was able to push myself in posting it. Ladies and Gentlemen (or shall I say “Petals”), I welcome you to my Youtube Channel.

For more videos, COMMENT, LIKE, SHARE, AND SUBSCRIBE.

Love Always

HLP X

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Loving Through the Eyes of the Lord

WORDS FROM A PETAL, WORDS FROM THE PETAL

Last night, a woman told me that God was presenting me with a new vision. One that sees through his eyes. I found this so profound. A few weeks ago I had a beautiful discussion with one of my best friends about love and it’s multifaceted ways. I am so moved by my recent experiences and discussions with and through God that I must share. Upon receiving this prophecy, I began to reflect on the ways I’ve shown love to people and things around me. I compared these ways to how God may react and despite me rightfully showing compassion I realised a huge difference. I noticed there was so much more I needed to do and so many other ways I needed to show love. It is one thing to know what love involves but another thing to apply it effectively. It’s not always easy. Love is a very selfless act a lot of the time.

We can often find ourselves passionately disagreeing out of love and misunderstanding because we expect a conventional love; since it’s what we have been programmed to expect. To exemplify, expecting someone to say “I love you” in order to validate that love to make yourself feel better. We want our loved ones to show us in ways we expect but there is a serious problem with our expectations because they can sometimes become unobtainable. Then we get disowned by friends, family, and loved ones. For me, seeing through the eyes of the Lord exposes me to a love that’s different. A love that is Galations 5:22. A love that is proof through actions because they speak volumes. A love that is patient; able to give space when space is required in order to know how patience feels and that it’s not just about waiting. A love that finds and creates a peace in loud environments, one that is a leader by example, shows kindness, goodness and faithfulness. I don’t expect this love to be easy but for what it’s worth I’ll try. My lens is new and it’s one I will need to get used to because my vision is blurry but for what it’s worth, I’ll do it. Love through the eyes of the lord.

I’ll speak to you soon.

Right Now Matters

POEMS, Uncategorized

I’m currently going through a transcript of an interview I did with an amazing  artist. I’m also watching a film called While We Where Young. I asked my interviewee whether he writes based on imagination or reality, to which he told me that he is an empathetic being. For him this means he adapts himself to his social surroundings. For example, I could tell him about my story of pain and if he relates to it em-pathetically, he can write about it. I’m drifting between the words he said to me and what’s happening in the film. The film: About a middle aged couple inspired by a younger couple to make the most of living in the moment (this being one of the many themes). The main character is reminded of his age when he takes a trip to the doctors and is told that he has arthritis in his knee. I pause and go back to my conversation with the interviewee. I then think about my own life. I’m immediately triggered as a creative to write about my surroundings and my encounter with this film. So here i am; being empathetic to his situation because I’m reminded that when I turn 40, I don’t want to be living life regretting a life I should’ve lived. I don’t want to relive an age because I didn’t embrace it then. This means right now matters. Firstly, I want to thank my interviewee for unknowingly allowing me to go through this journey with myself. I also want to thank the film for reminding me that I am seriously a hypochondriac, and that this is not my portion.

2018 has so far been a year of fearlessness and action. This is why I have enjoyed it. I have de-cluttered, thus creating room for newer experiences and people in my life. I have also embarked for the umpteenth time on my relationship with God but this time it’s different, this time it’s in a healthier place. I’m prioritising my health on a physical and mental premise. It has been on my heart to write about these areas in more depth but the words have escaped me until now and I will go into more depth in future posts throughout this year. I’m happy to be here, because I know in a few months’ I’ll pass through on this post and smile. Part of the process of de-cluttering to create space means I need to get rid of poems I’ve written, ideas I’ve had in my mind, attitudes I’ve embodied I no longer identify with, and so much more. This may seem quite abrupt though I know you will understand this; that when it’s time for something to be given to the universe, it is time. I want to introduce you to a very old but new poem which has been hidden in my emails for many, many months.

I figured I needed a place to express this journey of de-cluttering and Her Last Petal feels right, join me as I let go of moments, that have made me who I am, moments that I Love. Like I said; I don’t want to be a certain age regretting that I didn’t leave my craft for the universe to unfold. Thank you to my loved ones for inspiring and pushing me to get myself out there as a creative. I love you all.

This is my first poem of the year.

KATANAS PEAK

A poem about a samurai sword acknowledging her infinite powers whilst stabbing. A poem also about myself acknowledging the impact of my presence in society as a woman.

 

Produced by Steve Roe

Work Hard, Play Often

WORDS FROM A PETAL, WORDS FROM THE PETAL

It is running a scorching hot bath, and pouring a handful of bath salts right before feeling the burn across my body. It is lying down, deciding that in this moment I will not think about anything, or anyone. It is smothering a nourishing soap across my body and scrubbing my stresses away, then wrapping myself into a warm towel. It is applying a special body lotion/cream across me. It’s spraying a perfume against my neck and welcoming its freezing attack and then allowing it to warm into my skin. Once I’m out with loved ones, you may often find me quiet, smiling, distant yet content; I’ll be savoring the beauty of the moment. Or, you may find that I am talkative, excited, smiling and content; this is because these moments come at a rare occasion. Don’t hold back, Value each moment of your play time.

The whole “work now, play later” has a ring to it. It is only right that we work hard and do consider to find time to play. I’ve reflected on this mentality and used it as a tool often to reassure myself that I too will get to reward myself with something nice once I finish working hard. I’ve also used this tool to reassure me when looking through numerous snap/instagram stories whilst firming it at work. I’ve also realised that I don’t want to use this quote to justify my misery, nor do I want to rely on it any longer.

It makes sense that you should also play, after working so hard. Be careful to not bury the “play” part whilst overworking yourself. Later may never come. I understand that this mind-set carries a certain aura that we may want to associate with in order to make us feel as though we are going the extra mile in comparison to our peers. Later may never come. Often, I’ve worked myself to the bone because I know exactly where I want to see myself. In the last few months, I’ve grown to enjoy the luxury of playing, after working really hard, rather than overworking and not having time to enjoy. Work Hard, Play Often.

Love Always,

Her Last Petal

x

Its Not Faith, It’s Me

WORDS FROM A PETAL, WORDS FROM THE PETAL

(Approximately 16:55)This post is fueled by the current rage running through my system. As much as the result of my day has mithered me, I am surprised that I still have energy to attend to this blank canvas to write my thoughts. I hope this post speaks to someone. My main testimonies always go back to one theme: Faith. This morning was beautiful for me. I tasted freedom and peace of mind. I tasted God. In my mind I began to plan this very same post but the vibe was definitely going to be different. It was definitely going to sound positive. Let me talk you through my day, because it’s now 17:10 and when I began writing this very same post a few minutes ago my feelings were genuine. I was really upset after having such a beautiful morning and afternoon. A few minutes ago I was  struggling through this post trying to get to the point which I will further develop later in this post. Now my feelings have suddenly changed because the news I have just received is beautiful. I want to define the true (subjective of course) meaning of Faith.

This morning, I wanted to post about Faith, I am glad I have done so regardless of the mixed emotions I have experienced. I wanted to highlight the importance of Faith. The definition I take can be found in the bible as it is the one I rely on: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”, Hebrews 11:1.

I’ve always struggled with faith, a concept that I feel needs to be emphasised to me. It explains why I go through challenges that conclude with Faith being the solution. Most of what I end up going through leads back to one idea: The lack of faith I have in what it is I want to believe in. I have had too many instances of worrying for long periods of time, stressing about the assumed results of what it was that was impeding my progress. I realised that I was applying too much faith into the hypotheticals. It really started to bother me until I realised that my faith was not the problem. I was. The definition never changed, rather what I was choosing to apply this faith to. I had more confidence in the “what ifs” taking place, rather than The God I claim(ed) to love. I didn’t believe in my excellence because I would always assume the unseen result of mine was what would happen. The reality is we crave God. We crave to see him physically in order to know he is “real”, completely dismissing the true essence of what Faith is. But it is in our worries that we apply our faith, when still we cannot tangibly see into the reality of our future in the same way we can’t see God. In short, know where to apply your faith because you definitely have it. If you have goals that you want to achieve, have faith in them for they hold the same literal premise of the same worries that hold you back. You can’t see either of them. I am learning to have more faith in God, rather than the results of my hypothetical worries.

It is now 18:11. I’m smiling because despite the roller coaster of emotions I have felt, when I was at my worst today, I still managed to grow the courage to write about God whilst raging with anger. I hold onto this testimony for it has taught me to remain consistent in my faith regardless what is going on around me.

Love Always.

Her Last Petal.

A Style Post?

Style

“Style” is like an untouched room waiting to be filled on my platform. The doors of this page have been shut for much too long purely because fashion has been the last thing on my mind alongside many others due to life getting in the way. Nonetheless, I want to challenge myself, to reopen places I once found comfort in. I’m going to kick things off with this post.

Tanny SV 06Tanny SV 13Tanny SV 05

I’m wearing this lovely blouse from Zara, paired with palazzo trousers I bought from H&M. I love Palazzo trousers; with barely any hips and pretty much a flat behind I find that the trousers will hug you from the waist down in all the right places, leaving a neat finish. The blouse is simple, but prominent in its design therefore being the staple piece of my outfit. I didn’t want either ends of my outfit to be loud so piecing the blouse with simple white trousers gave me this balance. For more on balance, head on over to my previous post which isn’t quite about fashion but more about friendships.

On our way back through the country park the sun came out just before it would leave for the day and @lesstakesphotos and I ran for it. We managed to catch these lovely portrait shots. Thank you, for always having time for my ideas and allowing me to bring them to life.

See you soon with another “Style” Post

Love always

Her Last Petal xTanny SV 09

Finding a Balance in Your Relationships

Uncategorized

We live life subconsciously expecting to receive something back whenever we give. When life has its pauses, I’m often triggered to reflect and hopefully learn something. I’ll share with you what I have learnt about myself regarding expectations from loved ones.

In life, we will meet and connect with a handful of people who hold some sort of significance in our lives. You will offer someone an escape route, a place where they can offload, and they will have someone to offer that same space for. Relationships should always find a balance, but a balance doesn’t always have to be in between two exact measurements. Balance can even be found where one weight is heavier than another. What is important is that both objects (in our case people) are in a place they should be. Imagine a seesaw; a child is more likely going to be dragged down by your weight and you will find that they are looking up to you, learning from all of the experiences you are carrying. What you teach them, alongside the experiences they will personally learn whilst they grow will one day add to their weight, and they will catch up. The balance is always in the right place.

You will find yourself in relationships where the other party often discusses their personal lives to you, offering you little to no chances of ever talking about your own journey. This might cause discomfort in the relationship, but understand that the person seeking you needs you. There is a light you’re offering to them which allows them to channel through life with a clearer lens. You will often find that the little chances you get to talk about yourself, you have no appetite to do so because perhaps they may not offer the same comfort you offer to them. This is because they offer you a different sort of comfort that comes in the form of something else; it fills you. It may also be the case that that same comfort you’re looking for is in someone else. The only thing I can say about a toxic relationship is that you know one when you are in one. Just walk away. I also want to emphasise that there is nothing wrong with a balance that occurs where both people are holding the same weight. This in its own right is what is needed for the postulate of that relationship. Where a rhythm between the two will be one and the pauses will fall into place at the right time.

Understand that there are several types of relationships, not all are made to be the same where you are given exactly what you give in. The blessings from that friend come in a different way, and learn to value and appreciate that.

I’ll leave you with some words I wrote some time this year which I feel are fitting for this post.

Imagine you’re on a journey and you meet someone along the way. Remind yourself of the point at which you have met them, and what premise they have upon your life. This will allow you to rationalise the elements of you they should know. You may be walking side by side, but they will still need to catch up to where you are on your journey. Do not expect for them to understand you in the same way someone else understands you because they entered your journey at a different point in time. There is a lot they have to catch up with. Give them bite sizes. Give them breaks. Water. Make sure there is a bench along the way. Do not overpower them because you assume they will comprehend you. Take it easy on them.

Love always.

HLP x

Growth

WORDS FROM A PETAL

On the 11th of June 2016 I told my love he’d be shaving my hair. He managed to do an alright job but left me with a silly high-top that was intended to be a fade. I enjoyed every moment of it, allowing myself to witness transformation next to a loved one who could sense the impact of just how it felt to let go of hair. Shaving off your hair is not a casual procedure, there’s definitely more to it. As short as the process is; one can argue that it is a journey. Every snip is a wave goodbye to burdens hanging on your shoulders, the moments you shared with your strands erode, and by the time you reach the scalp, you’re prepared for this new chapter. Your scalp is a symbol of an empty room you’ve just moved into waiting to be furnished with new experiences. It is not the first time I’ve chopped my hair off but based on the woman I was becoming at the time; there was a lot I needed to let go off in order to continue growing so not only was it a “big chop”, it was a spiritual chop.

Amongst many of my resemblances, my hair is one of the closest and this is why it means so much to me. Today I am 23. My Hair is exactly a year old too. The pace of our growth has been slow; but we have grown together; and that to me matters more than the length. The strength, health, style of your hair resembles you in the same way your style in clothing does. So whilst the amazing India Arie sings “I am not my hair” (rightfully so, within context), I really am my hair. This is why hair is important to both women and men. Men look forward to visiting the barbers because of the transformation. A fresh trim will make them feel brand new, because subconsciously they can have a fresh start; this is the same for women.

Before the YouTube hair gurus had begun to educate us black women on our hair (which was one of the greatest ideas to ever blossom), I had natural hair; experiencing no issues with my hair. My hair was actually fine and was taken care of rather well. But there were several psychological issues faced because of these videos as they increased. When more awareness is raised on any particular subject matter we become overly conscious of it and begin to do many things and one of them is to compare. Prior to these videos I didn’t find myself making comparisons on hair textures, growth, or the “right” hair products. My hair was simply mine and perfect for me. The comparison came when there was a huge awareness on “how black hair should be”. There was/is nothing wrong with these videos; whether comparison is human nature or a social construct, it still takes place, and I became too aware of the normal things hair would face and stigmatised them as serious issues (purely down to my overthinking self). An explicit example is that if I lost a few hair strands, I would sink into a deep hole thinking my hair was terrible and I needed to change my hair routine. I would dip strands of my hair into water to find out the porosity level of my hair in order to know how to treat it; however this process was not useful for me and I didn’t understand this at the time. I tried many routines, neglecting the one I argue now to be the most important one. The important one being: to first reflect on yourself, your character, your current situation in life and how this is affecting your health, your level of confidence, how you generally feel about your hair and so many other important variables. I began to notice that I was always stressed; due to assignments and other issues life would throw at me. My diet wasn’t great. I didn’t drink enough water. I wasn’t taking care of myself physically and spiritually and this was reflected through the result of my hair. I would receive lovely compliments from loved ones, but I wasn’t happy and I knew something needed to be done.

I decided I needed to chop it all off. To let go of the old me; and to introduce the new me. I had changed. I will continue to change. I want my petals to grow with me, and this is why the layout of my platform has changed, because I too have changed. I want to give you more of who I am and so each time I experience a huge change, I want you to experience it too.

Chopping off my hair paved a way for a new me to unfold, there was so much I began to explore because I had the time and space (in my mind) to do so. I was just approaching the finishing line to studying which also complimented the timing. I have explored sensuality, personal intimacy, the importance of my relationship with God and spirituality, Feminism, the importance of living in the moment, books on personal development, fiction, more Theory, who I am around my friends and family, my style of writing has altered slightly and so much of me has changed. Whilst taking time to prioritise my health, I was diagnosed with a condition that would consequently affect my hair journey; and the texture/volume of my hair made sense to me; which meant my questions had been answered. I really absorbed the idea that your hair can never be the same as another individual’s hair because not only do you live different lives; you’re two complete different beings.

I could be here for a long time telling you the benefits of cutting my hair, but with the increasing trend of black women appreciating their natural hair; I am sure you can have an intimate conversation with one at arm’s length who can express to you their own personal journey. This post is to let you know that I have grown. I plan to express this growth through creative avenues and look forward to doing so. But for now, happy birthday to me, and here’s to more growth. My hair has really been a metaphor to express the importance of what you need to do, to allow growth to happen, and I plan to do so this coming year also.

I LOVE YOU ALL,

HERLASTPETAL.

Loving Wholeheartedly

Uncategorized, WORDS FROM A PETAL

 I’ve missed you. My senses are piqued because I can word the conversations I have with myself on this platform. I want to say so much, but I do not know where to start. There are posts I have planned to write for this platform, I want to write them for you, and I will, but I want to also write as effectively as I can and this can only happen when the message reaches the tip of my tongue and can eventually be expressed. When I become so passionate about expressing a particular topic, I then can do it wholeheartedly. Loving, acting, and feeling wholeheartedly is important. Which brings me to the premise of this topic.

Clent Hills ft. TT pt.15

Love wholeheartedly.

Revelations, and reminders of what you already know are fruitful. A caprice was triggered by a revelation I experienced whilst thinking about being happy for people, genuinely happy for people. Alongside this, my realisation was that I want to be living and breathing the words that are falling from my lips. For these words to be soaked in truth as they come out of me.  This became my desire; to honestly mean my words of encouragement, to honestly be happy for people. At that moment, it meant so much for me to dive into that way of being because I sensed a direct relationship with my struggles, downfalls and insecurities. Offering encouragement that I meant with only half of my heart suffocated me, I couldn’t breathe and I wanted to free myself from such a drawback.

Disclaimer: I want to be as transparent as I can to you, it will allow me to serve the purpose of this platform as well as this post. Transparency allows for people to have a clearer view of who you are, so that when I give my two pence it is not a mere mirage.

When I look at my life, I am not where I want to be. There are moments where I am grateful for how far I have come, and there are times where I am clouded by insecurities. Everyone has insecurities which are birthed by a number of agents. For the sake of this post and the aim of my message, I will focus on security/insecurity with regards to societal expectations and the impact this has on our personal relationships (and societal validation). This really needs an essay, nonetheless I will express which ideologies gravitate towards my being. My belief is that insecurity influences people and their relations in society. But how? And what have I decided to do about my own?

Berki (1986) presented the argument that personal security is closely connected to society, as well as personal, reciprocal relationships. The social paradox of security means that we are vulnerable in our relationships, as well as with strangers, but in its extreme form, we may also see each other as threats and enemies. He went on to highlight that issues of security also present moral questions on society’s organisation and how law and rules govern securities. I never fail and will continue to not do so in voicing the pressures against us when it comes to societal expectations which are clearly detrimental to our security. On top of this layer, we are expected to achieve a handful of accomplishments which are presented to us on a timeline that is not empathetic to the uniqueness of our individual paths. These accomplishments rule out the validation of other accomplishments which applies more pressure to channel our energy into a direction we quite frankly do not want to go in. Many of us know… it’s a lot to take in.

When it then boils down to those who are surrounding us, we are faced with so much pressure and thought processes that highlight our insecurities. When we are not secure in an “accomplishment” that is expected at a particular age, and converse with others who have achieved; perhaps we find it difficult to be happy for them wholeheartedly, because we are reminded of an accomplishment we have not yet achieved. I would be naive to think this comes from a negative place, because there are many explanations which could be presented that highlight why these thought processes occur and where they come from. We must find ways to avoid this way of being; its part of the process of unlearning the social constructions presented over time. Most of the time I am happy for the accomplishments that my loved ones achieve. It leaves me whole.  Sometimes, I lose sight of my security, which troubles my existential drive. When I had the revelation that I wanted to love and speak with purity and mean what I say to people, a burden was lifted from my shoulders and I felt a sense of freedom, and contentment. I felt as though I was no longer blocking the accomplishments waiting for me, and that those who seeked my advice about their lack of accomplishment  were lifted from this burden too. It was spiritual to me. One must not offer words of encouragement whilst prioritising their accomplishment/or lack of. Put simply, you cannot think “as long as I get there first” whilst saying “you can do this come on!” because you have prioritised your competitive nature, mixed with the weight of pressure as more important than the struggle being encountered by the individual seeking your words of encouragement. Make sure your words are genuine. Life will become easier for you. You will channel the rest of the energy in a place where it is needed, and X will feel the depth of your passion more. This is what I mean by loving wholeheartedly, and meaning what you say. Your words become thick, and very rich in their taste. Do not dilute your words with a hint of bitterness because you will be presented with a burden. Try to not compare yourself because your path is different, this way you will avoid numerous un-needed existential and identity crises.

Clent Hills ft. TT pt.8

Right now, I feel like I can be attentive to one’s feelings without prioritising my own. This process of selflessness has developed me to become a better version of myself. I am unlearning, stripping myself of garments forced onto me that did not fit. I will see you soon.

Love always,

Her Last Petal.

 

Reference: Berki, R. N. (1986). Security and society: Reflections on law, order and politics. London, Dent.

 

Trips Down Memory Lane

Uncategorized, WORDS FROM A PETAL, WORDS FROM THE PETAL

It is a wintry evening tonight. Here, my memories feel so close that I do touch them. They are people. They are buildings. They are the roads, buses and parks. In this moment I learn to cling tightly to my caprice, a sudden yet comforting one. The cold slaps me into a new direction and I am able to view newer perspectives. The epitome of life. I am reminded that the battles I have encountered were fruitful ones. Where fingers gripped your neck and drowned your head into thick soil, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. I am learning that the very same bitter taste is what makes it easier for me to stand firm in moments my senses feel helpless, because the ending is always a sweet victory.

I always tell myself that when you grow the guts to speak of a past memory which brought such agony and pain, you’re over it. You can face the same fears knowing you have overcome them. I went to take some photos in my old area with @pics.mnelta and shared intimate memories with myself whilst he worked his magic. Your surroundings do really contribute to your identity and I hold so much value in this particular area.